How to Handle Fear of Rejection?
What if the customer says no? What if the investor doesn’t like my approach? What if the dev I really want to hire thinks I’m crazy? What if …?
There are many different types of struggles I had to deal with as a startup founder building a business without knowing what it meant to “build a business”. Or at least only knowing that from the few books I had read about it. The whole “jump off the cliff and build an airplane on your way down” is an apt analogy for sure! However, the nuance is that you have to learn how to build an airplane while falling, and that learning requires lots of doing, failing, redoing, and repeating! Now, what if fear of failure, at least in certain situations, prevents you from engaging in activities that are necessary to learn?
That’s what “fear of rejection” has done to me on various fronts: what if the customer says no? What if the investor doesn’t like my approach? What if the dev I really want to hire thinks I’m crazy? What if …?
And it’s not just work: What if I dance and people laugh? What if I write and people judge? What if I pursue a life partner and they don’t like me?
Fear of rejection is a common but often hidden experience affecting many aspects of life. It can manifest as anxieties, insecurities, and self-doubt, holding us back from pursuing our goals. It can lead to social anxieties, avoidance behaviors, and feelings of inadequacy or imposter syndrome. Recognizing the impact of this fear is the first step towards overcoming it and understanding the different forms of it helps us identify and address our specific challenges.
Early childhood experiences, attachment styles, and traumatic events can contribute to fear of rejection. Negative social conditioning and societal expectations can reinforce these tendencies. And evolutionary influences, like the need for belonging in our ancestors' tribes, might be the original culprit.
As is common with many cognitive challenges, reframing is a strong option to tackle fear of rejection:
Objection vs rejection: Understanding that in some cases “no” is an objection that might stem from the uncertainty or lack of information in the other party can be the first step. They might simply want to see more evidence before committing to something we are asking them to do.
One person opinion: In some scenarios rejection could just be another person's opinion about something. It is a subjective lens view of a thing, often tainted by their experiences, thoughts, and emotions. Unless that repeats in multiple individuals as a pattern, it doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with our approach.
Causal and process thinking: Taking a step back and thinking about the specific event at hand in the broader scheme of things can help with contextualizing the various outcomes appropriately. Looking at stats and having an expectation of different types of responses, conversion rates, and down- and up-stream impact can shift the focus from individual rejections to overall process objectives.
Hypothesis testing: Rejection is often painful because it feels directed and personal. Gamifying the process by reframing it as hypothesis testing can decouple the “idea” from the “self” and therefore create space for a more objective assessment of the situation. It also offers a sense of agency and control which is often associated with satisfaction. It does also provide more natural grounds for treating the task at hand as a learning experience rather than an “annoying task that has to be done”.
The good news is that dealing with fear of rejection is a muscle that can be exercised. There are low stake scenarios where one can practice that to prep for the show day:
Ask for a discount: The worst they can say is no, and you might save some money! Try asking at local stores, restaurants, or even online retailers.
Compliment someone: This might seem counterintuitive, but putting yourself out there and risking a compliment that might not be reciprocated can help build resilience.
Strike up a conversation with a stranger: This could be at the coffee shop, park, or even on the bus. The chances of rejection are low, and you might make a new friend!
Fear of rejection is perhaps also related to the “spotlight effect” where we think others pay more attention to us than they actually do. But the reality is that nobody cares, so pick that phone up and call the person that can help you right now.
